“Let me know what I can do,” I said. “How I can help?” I asked. “Don’t hesitate to call,” I pleaded. Even as I wrote those words, I cringed.  And I cringed again when I read them aloud just now. Urrgh. I’m guilty of making those well-meant, but virtually useless, offers to friends who’ve lost a loved one

Don’t offer help, be the help.

Daughter Carolynn, an oncology nurse for 32 years for whom caring and compassion is second nature, knew I’d been struggling to write another post in this space. Struggling to carry on since August, for heavens sakes! She often nudges me with ideas for this blog, so it was no surprise when she forwarded an article she’d just read entitled “Grief Groceries,” by Hugh Hollowell.*

I knew from experience that it isn’t necessarily easy to accept offers of help in times of grief, or to know if you even want help. When a person is wrapped in sorrow, it’s hard to think, much less decide.  “Decision fatigue” some call it.

Consider these ways to help family or friends who are dealing with the death of a loved one:

Have “grief groceries” delivered—necessities and comfort food such as coffee, tea, milk, bread, pasta kits, cereal, crackers, sandwich makings, frozen dinners, ice cream. Or how about meals delivered from a favorite restaurant or a gift card for the family to use at a different place another time. Get cleaning supplies, paper goods, or other household staples and drop them at the door. 

Help plan the funeral or celebration of life. Offer to have food catered for whatever event the family holds

Friends will drop by. Offer to clean the house or at least wash dishes, tidy the living room and bathroom. Will out-of-town family or friends need a place to stay when they come for the funeral or celebration of life? Offer your spare bedroom for overflow guests or find other bedrooms amongst the bereaved’s friends.

Walk the dog, pick up children up from school or collect family and friends from the airport.

Take the trash out, mow grass, rake leaves, shovel snow.

In days to come, help with the red tape that is sure to entangle the bereaved. In my case daughter Leslie, whose middle name is Organizer, was my rock in the weeks following husband Peter’s death. Red tape didn’t stand a chance with her in command. Offer that kind of assistance if it’s something you’re good at. 

I know that talking about a loved one is good medicine.

Time is perhaps the greatest gift you can offer. Companionship in all its forms is a wonderful gift, be it a shoulder to cry on, a calming chat, a cup of tea.

A few days after Peter died another kind of help came in the mail.  A friend sent me Healing after loss: daily meditations for working through grief  by Martha W. Hickman. I use quotes from it quite often. Here is one of them…

May I not clutch my grief so tightly to myself
that I cannot receive help when it is offered.

* “Grief Groceries” by Hugh Hollowell was published on his blog, hughlh.com